Remembering Grandpa...

Pulled from the archives: Originally posted May 2nd, 2009 just three days before Grandpa passed away although it was on my other blog. Forgive me if I'm a little emotional today and tomorrow (May 4th & 5th) .

(I've updated this with new updates on his condition added in purple)

My thoughts today are with my Grandpa Hill.

Family Reunion in Idaho June of 2002.

My Grandpa with all of his children that were still living. June 2002

L-R Grandpa, Aunt Kathy, My Dad, Uncle Randy, Aunt Rose, and in the back Uncle Don.



As much of the family that was there: June 2002


This was taken at my brother David's wedding June of 2005

He's in the hospital and my cousin Angie has this as her status. Saturday May 2nd, 2009

"Grandpa still critical.. He has a very low blood pressure. Last night when I was there it was around 66/36 and high toxicity level. His kidneys and liver are failing.They got the bleeding in his esophagus to stop. He got 10 units of blood yesterday. Please pray hard. Family: If you want to get a message to grandpa send it to me and I will print it and take it and read it to grandpa. All grandpa's kids are now here"

ADDED LATER: And here is an email

I just got this from my Aunt Rose:
"Dad was rushed to the hospital at 3am friday morning coughing up lots and lots of blood, he had spewed out half of his body's blood and the replaced it with 6 units of blood. When they found the problem and fixed it (a vein in his esophgus had ruptured. Dr. has told us it is related to his diabetes and damage that it has done to his liver. They had given him a 30 percent chance of surviving this episode. Late last night they informed us that his kidneys and liver are not working and have shut down, If they dont start to function soon the acids that accumulate when these things are not working will build up in is stomach and will reach a point where it is irreversible and nothing they can do to help him. We are now in a wait and see if they start working. So please pray for my dad that God does what is best for him. Love Rose "

Update from Angie's facebook 7:41pm May 2nd, 2009 "Well just got update and they are going to try and do a round of dialysis to see if they can get the toxicity level down on my grandpa. If it works they will line up a second round. If not, then grandpa will be on his way to the lord. Thank you everybody for your thoughts and prayers. They are still very much needed. Will keep you updated as I can on here."

Update from Angie's facebook about 9:50 am May 4th, 2009 " This mornings Grandpa's update is that his kidney's and liver still haven't kicked in. I don't know much more than that. They are limiting his visitors so that he can get some rest. My cousin Chris's wife is at the same hospital. Her appendix bursted and she had to have surgery. Looks like she is doing good. I will go see her later today. Will keep you updated when I can. "

Update from Angie's facebook 10:59 am May 3rd, 2009 " Ok, so far so good with grandpa. His body took to the dialysis good. He was able to maintain his blood pressure. His toxicity levels are down to almost a normal level. However, his liver and kidney's haven't kicked in yet. Still need to get his heart rate lower. His blood pressure is looking better now. Will keep you posted when I get back from the hospital later... Thanks for your thoughts and prayers everyone!

Latest Update from Angie on Facebook 11:09 pm May 4th, 2009 "Wish I could come to you with good news but none to tell of. Grandpa is going to start a 24 hours round of dialysis as a last ditch effort. If it don't work then I think it is safe to say I think they will take him off life support. I hit my moment to break tonight. Grandpa wasn't really there.

(Added after original post: ) Date: Mon, 4 May 2009 15:41:15 -0700
Dad (marty) is about the same at this point. They will start a second round of dialysis tonight sometime. his heart rate is down to 115 it was up as high as 155. his blood pressure is now up to 120/80. it was 64/40. his acid levels came down from the first round of dialysis, but are now rising again. He now has a normal temperature. His is very critical and chances for survival are low. We have a small hope that the dialysis will help his kidneys and liver start working again. When things change i will send out an update. Will all of you please spread the update to all whose e-mail i dont have. Maybe Dean you can post on family site for us. Please pray for him.
Love Rosie

So after reading this, and hearing updates occasionally from my mother, things aren't looking good and I feel like it's just a waiting game until he passes on. I'm praying that he isn't suffering very much and that as he passes it's not painful. But I stop to think about what a sweet reunion might take place if he does. You see my grandmother (his wife) has been dead for nearly 21 years. Even though my grandfather was remarried, he really loved my grandma A LOT. He was sealed to hear in the Salt Lake Temple and have their children sealed to them as well. But he basically stopped going to church, and was inactive even before my grandma died. But I'm hoping that through the Atonement all things might be made right... but I don't know, because I don't know how things like this work. What I do know, is that there is a God, our Heavenly Father who loves us and wants us to be happy. I say Happy, but that doesn't mean that we won't face trials, and challenges. After all we do have our agency to chose, what we'll do, but if we can pray and be able to know the will of our Father, and do what he wants we can all find happiness. I don't want to sound grimm, but I decided to write my Grandpa a letter, long as it might be, but just in case he does die, I wanted to let him know the following:

Hey Grandpa, May 2, 2009

I’m so glad that I’ve had the chance to grow up most of my life and have you be a part of it. You always made my day brighter when I would see you. And ever since I’ve been married, the chances that I’ve gotten to see you are even more cherished. I remember the attempts at trying to take pictures and the kids wouldn’t cooperate, and they were struggling and screaming and trying to get “out of there”. But there you and Maria sat with large smiles on your faces, and looks in your eyes with nothing but love for us.

I haven’t had the opportunity to get to see you as often as I hoped, but at least you were there for the important times. At my reception when I was married, and all the goofy –ness that you always seem to carry with you everywhere. And I got to see
you last November when Victoria was married. The funny thing being that I
didn’t even recognize you, I thought you were your brother, because you
looked a lot skinnier than I remembered.

My sister's wedding November 2008, Ridgecrest, California.

My husband, Chris, was the one that had to point you out and say that you were my Grandpa. Duh, you were sitting with Maria, so you’d think that I’d have put one and one together and knew that. So I’m glad I have that fun memory. I also remember when my husband’s brother got married back in Sept 2001, and we got to see you then. You were missing a few of your front teeth, and I commented on it. And you said, that Maria socked you a good one and just knocked them right out. You always could tell a great story with lots of embellishments. I always enjoy getting hugs from you; it always helped me to feel loved. Thanks for everything you’ve always done for me.

Know that we are praying for you, and that your in God’s hands and we (my family) will go on and remember the great example you are. You have taught me through my father about working hard, and being a respectable person, and that there are times for play when work is done. You have a great capacity for love, and everyone enjoys being around you.

I’m sorry to hear that things aren’t going so well for you and can only hope that you aren’t suffering a lot of pain. I just really want to let you know that I know that God lives, and loves all of us, and even you.

And in case things don’t miraculously go in a different direction, I’ll feel better knowing that I let you know how much I LOVE YOU, and how much you mean to me. My kids have all had the chance of meeting you, and that is awesome that they still have a great great grandpa alive that they were able to meet.

I’m praying for you, and know that you’re in God’s hands and whatever the outcome, know that I’ve always loved you and will talk about you to my kids all their lives so that they know what a great person you are. Sorry for the length, but I’m taking Angie up on her offer and don’t want to take the opportunity for granted.

I love you Grandpa!!! ------

Love always your granddaughter Wendy

My Reception June 1998.

Getting a little sentimental.... please excuse me.

Please excuse me, while I have a little "Sentimental" moment!! I was just realizing that this time three years ago, I was still pregnant with my youngest son. And he's almost three (in about two weeks) and I just want to start crying whenever I see him this little. My how time has flown. This is my 2 year old when he was about 1 month old. (Give or take)

Emotional Connectedness, we all need it.

Okay so I'm posting a few times today, and I realize now that I should have changed the title of the last post....but alas, it is not to be.  I want that to be found pretty easily, and so I'm sticking to it. 

But on to the real business of the day. 

I've been feeling a little weirded out lately.  Not sure exactly what I mean.  But whatever it is, I'm starting to like the changes going on within.  Call me lame, but I'm really someone who needs some emotional connections either with people (and who cares if they are in movies or real life, because I don't always get time with real life women) or with a book (You know I really like a good book, but lets face it your def. and mine are probably different. I haven't read a lot of the "classics" and sometimes when I go to the book group I'm a part of, I feel kind of "dumb" for not having read them way back when, but to tell you the truth one look at the first few pages ...well I don't want to spend my time reading somthing that will "BORE" me.  If it isn't required, I'm not doing. Ha!! ) 

So just recently we switched to Direct TV and now we're getting "A LOT" more tv channels than we used to.  But at the same time, I find myself more motivated to "CLEAN UP" around the house during the day.  I find it kind of like a game.  Yeah, I'm not perfect but I do what works for me.  (Since I'm not rich enough to have a maid, or live close enough to have my mom or grandma have at my house, I have to settle for what I can barely manage to get out)

So with these new channels that I didn't get before, I'm finding movies on galore.  (I'm a real nut for LMN unless the movie is just too whacked out weird)  But I like watching the based on a true story movies, and I'll find the perfect time to fold all the laundry while watching the segment until commercials, and then I run and switch loads if needed, or I wash another rack full of dishes or whatever, until it comes on again. 

It's weird, and almost like I feel as if there is something more to my "stay at home" mom life than there used to be.  I think I'm watching way more than I used to, but I also feel like more is getting done. And then the messes are remade just as fast.  But who cares, when I have commercials to work with.  It's a game, a sort of competition for me, and gives me an adrenaline rush almost.  (That would be a HUGE ALMOST!!! )

Of course, not much can be said for the days when I have grocery shopping and bills to pay.  I'm busy all morning taking care of those tasks, and like clockwork the MESS and JUNK have found thier homes again in all the corners of the room, under the edges of the cabinets in the kitchen under the piano bench, the desk, under the kitchen table....ugh... I swear the mess is like multiplying like rabbits.   I'm not quite sure how to slow it down. 

But no worries here, I'm learning new things, and am trying new ideas to help me conquer the "clutter" in my life, and to get my kids involved in the process without going completely insane. 

And this little place I call mine, helps me vent out the frustration.  My husband gets a little perturbed that the place ALWAYS looks bad, but at the same time, I know my kids aren't going to be little forever, so I want to enjoy my time with them, and teach them when the moments come. 

So I know I'm like the only one in the "world" who can't keep her home spotless,  and all of you out there are such SUPER MOM's that you have your acts together all the time,  and kudos to you, but please don't judge this mama because I'm still a work in progress.  :) 

A letter to someone from my past....

I've decided to follow suit and join up with Mama Kat on a writing prompt. So here's a letter to my first love that broke my heart....


Hey You,

I just wanted to send a letter letting you know how much you really meant to me!! I felt a real connection to you, and you always seemed to get my heart pumping fast whenever you walked into the room.  I thought maybe we'd have been able to really have and pursue a relationship.  And if you had intentions of not doing so, you certainly didn't let it known.

I remember dropping by and visiting and talking with you for hours, and watch you clean and take care of all your guns and ammo stuff.  Then we'd go out and you'd shoot them off. 

Yeah, I remember kissing you, and thought I was in absolute heaven!!  And then every time we would see each other after that, my blood was boiling because you'd seem to heat up the room.  I really felt that I loved you, and part of me still does. 

But when I was informed right before I headed off to college that you were actually (three timing) seeing another girl in the stake, myself, plus a girl that was somewhere in Utah at the time.  As in the words of Buttercup, " I died that day!!"  but fortunately I knew that what we had wasn't true love. 

I managed to get beyond my feelings I had for you, it was tough but I managed.  I wanted someone who was good, and would treat me well, and if I had pretended everything was good with us, I'd have been really upset within a short while. 

You thought you were a jerk when I found all this out, but I'm so glad I had a dear family friend tell me of such actions.  Yes I was sad and distraught, but I've moved on. 

I've now been happily married for 11 and half years, and you know what else... you may be the only one that can stir such feeling within me, but your kiss wasn't as good as my husbands!!! 

Hope you have had a nice life, but seriously I have heard you've gone a different way in life than I wanted to go, and so I think it really was best that things ended when and how they did.  And I seriously pray and hope that you aren't hurting any other hearts out there the same way mine was hurt and broken. 

But thanks for the experience because really it's part of who I am today, and a great reminder of what someone needs to know about a signicant other.  You just didn't have it, but I hope someday you can make a lady really happy and truly love her. 

I used to care about you....
and sometimes I still think of you....

But I know I'm better off without you.  Sorry but that's just how it is.

Heart Broken but I've moved on,
Wendy

A bit of a Rant...

Whew, thank goodness Thanksgiving is over!! And that Black FRIDAY has come and gone!! Seriously I don't know why some people just absolutely LOVE that day!! I did the shopping years ago, and then I haven't gone the last several years.

Well this year I decided to go, since A) I had money this year, and B) there were some things I found on ad that I really WANTED, not really NEEDED ... so I wonder how many other people really NEED these things, and how many of them just WANT them. Well I have come to the conclusion that just about everybody doesn't NEED a BIG FLAT SCREEN TV!! And everybody probably doesn't need all those STAR WARS TOYS, or the Barbies... and on and on.....

I realize that this is all because of WANT. So now what I don't understand is if this is just stuff people want and don't need, how come they still ENJOY this crazy madhouse day of shopping? I can see the benefit on both sides... the consumer wants to save money on items, and unfortunately has to do it on THIS exact day just to save that much money. But on the other hand some people enjoy waiting in lines freezing off their keisters (is that even how you spell it?_ ... just to get that one or two items that they went in for!! Insanity I tell you.

Although I am glad that I didn't have my kids with me, but I would really have enjoyed a friend to come along with me... I'll have to see what I can work out for next year. ** wait a minute did I just insinuate that I'll do this again next year?? ** uh oh... better get MAYCO!!!

I just can't understand how these people can act like complete hoodlums... pushing and shoving just to grab a $3.00 pair of PJ's at Walmart... what the heck??? It's like everyone forgets their manners, and have been completely hypnotized just by walking inside the walls of these stores. And the Walmart I visited (and no I didn't attempt to look for the PJ's although they were on my list!!) back by electronics it was a parking lot!! I swear there has to be some kind of violation of the fire code to have that many people with NO WHERE to go!! And according to the news I listened to.. the crowds were bigger this year then last... and stores only have "so much" of any given ad item for grabs... seriously they should stock pile those things, and clear the store of everything else except those for Black Friday. I'm just saying.

It'd be lots easier to stock the store full of those things that EVERYBODY wants to have. I heard of a two "Grandma" aged women pushing their carts that were stock piled with the PJ's that I just wanted to get five of to fit my kids... but NO... they had to go and take like EVERYTHING.. for all their grand kids, and their friends... like it would be some big SLUMBER Party PJ giveaway or something.

And the amount of ladies that I saw who actually woke up that early and put the makeup on just shocked me... I woke up after actually sleeping in the clothes I wanted to wear (because lets face it one less step to do to leave) and pulled my hair back into a pony tail and who cares what my face looked like or didn't.

I was just slightly annoyed, because I didn't get everything I wrote down on my list... :( but the few things I did manage to grab, almost makes me feel like the crazy ridiculous hours were almost worth it. But there again "ALMOST" only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades, or so I've been told. But I was happy when I got home, and even happier after I got to sleep away the afternoon in a QUIET house. That was a great nap!!! Thanks honey!!

A bit of a rant ... but oh well. It made me slightly more insane that day. Whew glad it's over!!

So what I want to know ... why do people LOVE this CHAOS and CRAZINESS?? Am I missing something??

My life described in Six words....

From a MEME that my friend Alexes used on her blog over at One Cluttered Brain.


Here are my six words:

Agghhh, I don't have any Chocolate!!!

The story:

Well now that would be more than six words wouldn't it? But who cares it's my blog, and I'll do what I want.

We started to watch a movie with our kids, and I had grabbed six miniature packages of M&M's that were left over from Halloween clearance shopping. But I had reserved three back in the bedroom. I mentioned to the hubs, that there were three in the bedroom. And later when I went in there to retrieve one, just 1 of the packages, I find out that he ATE ALL THREE!!!

WHAT?? Excuse me, did I just hear you correctly?

Yeah, he did, ate all three. He thought I told him he could consume all three!!! HELLO!! No!! Think again!!

So now, I need to remedy this chocolate fix of a fix I'm in.

Note to self : when I mention that I have any Stash of anything left, don't let him know how much is available, he might just gobble it all up!! Aw, the nerve of that MAN!!! My goodness. What am I ever to do, now that I don't have my chocolate??


But I guess I still love you, even if you eat all my chocolate!!!!

You would CRY too if it happened to YOU!!!

Okay seriously,

Can it get any worse? Well, shh but I think it can but we won't go there right now!

Mind you the word sickness and things associated are described in this post. Read at your own risk!! But pick up reading again after the other set of stars, that part isn't bad.

****************************************************

I've been dealing with sickness in my home for about 2 weeks almost. Everything from Strep to a flu, and random "spewing from the head", to the lingering cough, to headaches, to mommy not getting enough sleep so she wakes up with a killer headache in the morning, and is starting off on a bad note. Sucks to be my family. Oh wait!! Sucks to be me, because I don't like to be this way, sometimes it just happens and the natural tendency is to be "Loud and Mean".

My oldest daughter was feeling fine today, sent her and the second daughter to school today, because they were both feeling fine over the last few days, and now I feel like a "Stupid" mom. The second daughter came home and started acting "sick" again. AGHH!!!! And I just had her at school around all those other kids... ohhhh what is a Mom to do these days!!!/???

She was also running a low grade fever after dinner tonight. BLAH!!!

So I head out for a little much needed break tonight and visited with some women in the ward, while discussing life scenarios, and the possible sewing projects that we'll work on in the near future. It was a great break!!! Thanks Ladies. BUT....

When I got home, little lady, my youngest, had randomly thrown up. Although, I kept her home from school today because she wasn't feeling good this morning. And I had a mess to clean up in the bathroom because apparently she doesn't have great aim. All I have to say is my shower curtain is coming down tomorrow and going straight to the washing machine in HOT water. She's the second one to tag it in a two day period. AGHH!!! (I hate cleaning up BARF!! -- the worst thing besides the smell, and nastiness of it.... I don't even get a bonus for cleaning it up, and I'm fighting off the gag reflex while I do so)

Then when I asked after reading scriptures tonight to have everyone get to bed, my oldest daughter randomly threw up... and she's like 10 and half and completely got it all over the floor in the bathroom area (half of it was carpet, and half was a linoleum type of floor. ** No problemo there, she volunteered to clean up the mess if I showed her what to use. Hallelujah!!

A little while later like within 20 minutes or less she came running back towards the bathroom, and aimed straight for the sink. EW!!!! GROSS!!!! (we left the lights off!!) I immediately started burning a candle because well, I like smelling pretty things like candles!! (* She didn't clean up that mess :( )

I HAD TO!!! BLAH!! BLEEP!!! UGHHH~ !!! HELP!!!! PLEASE!!!

So after an excruciating time of cleaning out our only bathroom sink, and using like a whole container of sanitizing wipes, I finally got it cleaned. YES, it was that BAD!! Or worse!!

Aren't you glad I'm not posting pictures. Lol.

***************************************************

BEGIN READING AGAIN HERE:

And after dealing with sickness and whining children, and those that don't feel well, and the constant coughing, and the waking during the night, and the keeping them home from school and worrying what the school will say.... I'm getting to a breaking point of wanting to CRY!!!

CRY!!! Sometimes, it is the one single action that can make everything bad seem a little better. I always need a good cry now and then. My husband is okay with as long as I'm not doing it around him. *Which stinks because then no one is around to listen to me, and give me the hug I need and want or the listening ear, or the encouraging phrases to help me get over this bout of Sadness that I happen to be in. I guess it's just one of those emotional traps of being a woman sometimes.

I'm trying to stay upbeat about all this, but sometimes just the weight of the world and other circumstances that we have to deal with on top of everyone being sick (EXCEPT MOM, by the way I'm knocking on wood and crossing my fingers) it sometimes seems to be a bit much for me to handle without getting a little down in the dumps about it.

Oh I know I'm not the only one that this happens to, but at least I'm documenting this moment, because I know in my future that one of my children will read it when they are in a time of need, and it will mean something to them and help them. Yes, I've been praying, reading scriptures and doing all the things I should, but I've reached the limit I think I can handle.

For this reason I sometimes wish my family lived close by so I could go and chat with them, and they won't "push" me away. Because sometimes, even though, I have a lot of children and other people around me, I often feel all alone. And I hate that every time, I pray for a friend to come around for me to really connect with, it always is short term. But at least the friendship will go on. (You know who you are -- there are a few of you).

And the more that I get this out of my system the more I feel I can handle the next day. Because I've made more room to take on the situations that come. Oh my patience, is wearing thin, and the sleep, well I could use more.

This is just one of those "many" times, that is causing me to become slightly frustrated. And a symbol to those who ask me how I do it... well the simple truth is I don't!!! I have bad days, and a lot of them in between the few good ones that come along. And I find this very therapeutic.

WORST MOM EVER goes to ......... ME!!

A lot has been on my mind lately. Most of which I'm keeping to myself, at least for the time being. But last night was BAD..... I mean really BBBBAAAAAADDDDD!!!

Two of my girls went to a day camp with their church leaders from Activity Days, which was fine. NOT A PROBLEM THERE!!

But, when said girls or rather the younger of the two, came home she was so tired that anything I asked her to do, or anything I said to her, triggered her into some kind of ANNOYING, IN YOUR FACE, OUT LOUD, LASTING FOR A VERY LONG TIME, NOTHING WOULD SHUT HER UP, AND NOTHING I TRIED TO SAY WOULD CALM HER DOWN, AND IF I MENTION SHE WAS JUST TIRED (she would scream and cry louder and harder) type of fits.

I'm talking major headache -- and to top that off, the youngest sister came in the room throwing a fit for completely different reasons, but a FIT nonetheless.

Daughter #1 said I care more about the computer and playing STUPID games than I care about them.

Hmmmm..... She doesn't normally talk like this, what's her deal?

So of course, I realize it's LATE, like if I tell you how late, I'd be ratted out for how bad a mom I am, and discovered that her main problem was that of being TIRED!!! She just spent the day outside doing outside kind of things, and she'd had it. I am often told by her statements like these:

" I HATE YOU!! You are the WORST MOM ever"

" I don't want you as my mom anymore, your mean!!"

And other such claims. My question is " If I'm the worst mom ever, and I'm mean, who's the best mom ever, and nice too??

I wanted to take cover and hide from all the NOISE last night but I realized she was just tired, but wonder if there isn't some truth to the "worst mom ever" nomination that I have gotten multiple times in one year within just weeks or sometimes even days of each other.

And really is it bad of me to think that someday she'll be a MOM, and the parenting won't get any easier, will it? She thinks she has it all figured out, but I don't know how, or what she plans on doing. Only time will tell, I guess.

So tell me, have you gotten the MEANEST MOM EVER AWARD, or the BEST MOM EVER AWARD??? And how does it make you feel and react when your kids say that they HATE YOU!!???

I'm just wondering....

I'm outta here sluggy buggy.